Denial and Acceptance

I was scared - terrified - of the truth. I did not want to be the outcast. I was afraid of what was to come. I could not be different. It wasn't a simple denial - it was my fact. Not just emotions getting in the way - it was everything to me; meant everything to me.

Everytime i caught myself watching - staring, even - i would punish myself. I felt dirty and defiled. I felt there simply had to be something wrong with me. And something must be done about it.

I felt it was a choice. Maybe i was desperate. A choice of the mind to get rid of the helpless desperation. But how could i let it get to that point? Was i really so out of control of my own emotions?

Any thought that it was okay never crossed my mind. To me, it was not okay. Anyone else could be like this - anyone - and i would support them. But me? There wasn't even a possibility. It can't happen to me - it won't happen to me as long as i have a say in the matter. I will choose what i am to be. I have control over what i am to be. Even if it takes sheer force, i will not ogle with my eyes what my body is forbidden to ever want. Because i am in control.

And it is thoughts like these that pushed me to my breaking point. The problem is, i have zero say. And the problem in myself was not that i liked her. It was not that i watched her as she walked by, fighting to keep my jaw in place without visibal strain. There was no problem in my actions, though she would never give me even a passing glance. No, it was the fact that i could not accept that i liked her. Everything about her, from her short-cropped hair, to her throaty laugh, her sideways smile...they made my heart warm.

It is only with acceptance that happiness will come. When i caught myself watching her, a feeling of dread washed over me. I would quickly avert my gaze. It was difficult, but i stopped watching her. I stopped.

But i did not stop liking her. Simply hearing her voice made me shudder with pleasure. It tempted me time and again to swivel my head around - it was just that easy, and i could see her once again. Eye-candy, she was. Beautiful, striking; her style made a statement about her. And yet, looking back, i barely knew her. Barely know her. Love is a funny thing - and i am not saying i was in love with her, but rather how she made me feel with her physical appearance. She was no more than a substitute for my true allure who was far, far away. Almost identical in appearance, though she was more scrawny than my veluptuous crush.

Yet it was none of these things that made me feel so disgusting. Not the fact that i used her, or even the fact that i was head-over-heels for a girl i could never talk to.

Simply the fact that i thought i was desperate. I thought i loved a girl. I could not even like a girl. It was not allowed. I forbade myself from being even remotely attracted to any human of the female kind. It was...wrong. Not for others. They were righted in their 'wrong' - however wrong it may be is not up to me. But they were...accepted. They could bend whatever rules i feared breaking. I would not allow myself to cross those boundaries.

Meeting my crush for the first time terrified me. I had been in denial for almost a year and a half before i saw her. And she only made things harder on me when i felt drawn to her. When she was out of my life, though, i felt at a loss. Disturbed by the thought that a girl could leave such a large impact on me in the first place, and the simple dread of losing her so quickly...both together, they lead me to implosion.

One night spent in pure agony, drenched in sin and coated in blood. I almost wish i could say that was how the night turned out. At least then i would have known what i had worked for had become a success. But i would be lying to you. I tried and failed, due to fear of death, to kill myself at that time. Because i was just that grotesque.

But i scared myself. I scared myself to telling my mother of my actions.

More importantly, though, i scared myself into acceptance. And i will tell you right now, it was the best choice i had ever made - to accept myself, i mean.

That night i thought about my actions. Thought about my beautiful crush. Thought about my orientation, and preferences. I came to accept that maybe - maybe - i was bisexual. Because obviously, i still like guys, right? And that night, i dreamt of her. I dreamt we shared a beautiful kiss, and my heart was filled to the brim with overflowing warmth. And when i awoke the next morning, i was given my answer. And i was not ashamed. In all actuality, i was happy.

Because i was finally a part of something i felt was important.